Why am I feeling guilty?

Mirrored Horizons is a safe place where individuals and businesses alike have the opportunity to reflect, reset and plan for what’s on their next horizon. In many of MH’s workshops we touch on human emotion and how to direct this into positive outcome. Today, some exploratory writings on a human emotion that MH is all too familiar with.

Welcome to the realm of guilt. It’s a place where self-questioning and anxiety are unfortunately all too common. But look, guilt gets a bad rap, it can often spur us on to do good. It’s true, guilt can act as a motivator. Ever headed to the gym not because you know how good you will feel afterwards but rather; you know you’ll feel guilty if you don’t go? Yep, that’s guilt acting as a motivator. But we’re not here to talk about how “guilt is good” where addressing it in its limitative form and how it inhibits us.

Guilt is undoubtedly a multifaceted emotion. Its feelings are likely brought on when one does something immoral or unjust either by accident or intent. Where the complexities lie is guilt can be experienced when you believe or think you have done something but in fact haven’t.

According to some traditional psychologists, namely Sigmund Freud and Erik Erikson, guilt is an emotion developed in early childhood. Both Freud and Erikson developed theories that take a psychodynamic approach to how guilt is first formed in early childhood (one that remains topical and contentious to this day). 

On the other hand, modern-day psychologists take a more cognitive approach to guilt. Guilt is an emotion experienced when people are convinced their actions have resulted in pain or brought about consequences. In cognitive theory, thoughts cause emotions. The thoughts of misinterpretation, overthinking or overgeneralizing as well as the inability to logically rationalize thoughts and conclusions cause the emotion of guilt to surface. 

Fear not. The modern-day cognitive theory suggests that if we’re able to control or change our thoughts, we can curb our emotions and hence, rid ourselves of guilt. Sounds simple huh?

Let’s start by breaking down guilt to help us understand what brings on this emotion. Let’s walk through some triggers, thoughts and behaviours together and perhaps teach ourselves a thing or two in recognizing and managing our feelings of guilt.

Hmmm, you did a bad thing.

It is of course, self-explanatory. You did something that has hurt someone whether that be physically, emotionally or psychologically and now you’re feeling guilty. The feeling is often brought on when you realize the pain you have caused, and you have to deal with the consequences. It’s important we feel this emotion, if we didn’t, we may be facing some deeper psychological issues. Yikes!

It’s important to move through the stages of guilt so to avoid extended harmful feelings. Being stuck in your own guilt may result in being stuck in a constant anxious state that may be detrimental to your health in the long term. Accepting whatever happened has happened-and coming to peace with the fact that there is nothing you can do to change it is a start. The best way to deal with the guilt is to accept it, apologize or take appropriate action where required. Ensure you’re taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. After all, people make mistakes and doing a bad thing, doesn’t mark you as a bad person for the rest of your days!

Yep, you really did just think that.

Thinking about cheating on your partner? Wishing a co-worker loses their job? These impure thoughts that conflict with your moral code can of course be the bud for guilt to grow again. Yes, you’re only ‘thinking’ and not doing but often it is all that’s needed to bring on the emotion.

Recognizing these thoughts. rationalizing them; where are they coming from? Am I jealous of my co-worker? Is this emotion I should be addressing instead? Avoiding repression. Don’t bottle up these thoughts. Airing them with a confidant can ensure you take ownership of them and hold yourself accountable to not entering those thought patterns again.

You did enough.

A friend has just broken up with their significant other and you spend an hour consoling them on the phone. You get off the phone and think to yourself, “I should’ve cooked them some meals”, “I should’ve booked them a massage”, “I should’ve”, “I should’ve”, “I should’ve”. Correct, it’s exhausting. Although you have done the right thing, you feel guilty for not doing enough. 

You are making the active choice to support the person/people you want to and thus, your expectations of yourself need to be set from the outset. How much can I commit to helping them without overloading or compromising myself? 

Ask yourself, is it only you that believes that?

Jumping to conclusions, creating your own narratives in your head and feeling guilty? This is false guilt. A place where your thoughts really drive your emotions. You have a conversation with a friend, they leave the conversation slightly less energetic than when you began talking. Suddenly your head fills with “oh no, I must have said something wrong.” When in all honesty, they were just tired. Your overthinking and constructing your own realities have led you to developing completely false feelings of guilt. Woops!

Next time, before you get yourself in a right state, be sure to ask yourself “am I the only one that believes this?” Creating elaborate stories and monologues in your own head can distort your memory of events. Control your thoughts, control your emotions. Picking up the pattern here? 

You’re doing well, great in fact. That’s not a crime.

All your ducks are in a row (so to speak) and your life makes you happy. You feel a twinge in your stomach when you see others potentially not doing so well. Yep, also normal. This is successor or survivor guilt. It is sometimes felt when friends lose a loved one and their feelings of grief spark guilt in yourself for not having the same set of circumstances or feelings.

These feelings can be curbed by knowing that purposefully failing or experiencing loss will help the person/people in any way. Your way to contribute is to perhaps share knowledge or provide support for them instead. Embrace who you are, you don’t have to feel guilt for the hard work, cards your dealt or opportunities you’ve taken.

Now that we’ve taken a somewhat confronting walk through what propels us into states of guilt, let’s end with some reassurance. We all have the power to control our feelings of guilt. The consistent motif being; control your thoughts, control your emotions. Its simplicity can be somewhat infuriating but, in this case, practice truly does make perfect. It is something that we have to commit to regularly. Acknowledging what triggers set off our thoughts and thus, catching them before they turn into emotions, which in this case is guilt. 

Did this resonate with you? Perhaps a Mirrored Horizons workshop is for you; contact us